All Apologies (Locked to Xena)
Apr. 3rd, 2006 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
call_me_snakeBaby, I'm sorry. I know I'm a hell of a horrible man to live with. I drink too much. I smoke too much. I snort too much coke. I'm a wanted criminal and maybe worse but that don't mean shit. I love you girl. I hope you still know through all this bullshit I do. I'm struggling all these nights on the streets for us. I want to be able to provide you a home and make you happy. I know for some reason you think that means you have to be a house wife or some bullshit but that ain't what I want. I want you. I want that stubborn moody woman that gives me a kick every now and then when I start to fuck up. I probably need more then a swift kick in the fucking ass some days.
I just don't understand some days. i know we fight a lot princess and I try so hard not to. The pressure gets me down sometimes. The streets fuck.. I work them like a bleeding dog. looking for a heist, a job. Most nights they fall through and I'm left to gamble, gunfight and deal to make ends meet to make sure I can take care of you. I don't complain. Hell it makes me happy when I get enough to bring something home more then just the money for rent and food. Maybe you don't remember but you asked me to be better and I told you I'd try. Yeah, I haven't robbed anything in months and that's why it's such a struggle. That's why my nights are so long. Then there are nights when I don't get shit. I feel like hell when I've been away from you all night and I come back empty handed. I feel like I've failed and let you down. Other nights I can't work because I have to spend all night running from the fucking cops. I can't come home til I lose them because I don't want them to find you baby.
Then I drink, I know I drink too much. I'm in a hole, down in the gutter and you've got to carry my ass to bed or worse some nights. I don't mean to. I just can't fight some nights I get so down and I just want to be held and appreciated. Those are the nights we seem to fight. I'm sorry I say some of the things I do but sometimes I need to say them. I need to get all of it out before it fucking eats me up inside.
I'm sorry for all the bullshit, for almost dying on you the other night. I know there's no damned excuse. I'm not trying to make one. I'd check my ass into rehab if I could but that's just asking to land my damned ass in jail. I can't take weeks without you again like last time.
Guess what all this bullshit is about is I need to really just get out and tell you what the fuck I need. You always ask me what I need from you.. what I want well this is all fucking for you.
I need you to be with me, to love me.
I need you to help me with my drugs. I can't kick them alone.
I need you to forgive me for what I did in the past. I know I fucked up.
I need you to tell people what we are. Yeah I'm your friend but I am more then that. I still don't know why you don't tell people.
I need you to understand that in this culture a man is judged by a lot. Some of it you think is bullshit, hell, some of it I think is bullshit.
I need you to understand that to feel happy I need to provide for you.
I DO NOT need or want a housewife.
I need.. or perhaps would like you to come out with me more at night. I don't need to go alone.
I need you to understand sometimes we fight.. sometimes it hurts but I still love you no matter what I say in some angry drunken stupor.
I need you to believe me when I tell you there are no other women in my life. I mean that as sex sure I got female friends but I ain't sleeping with them.
I need you to be the strong one when I can't instead of yelling at me for breaking.
I need you to understand no matter how much a man wants to he can't change in a day.
I need you most of all to understand I might ask you for something I haven't listed up there or things too private for me to go writing the damned things down.
More then all this other fucking bullshit I need you to forgive me. I need you to know if there is ever anything you want all you got to do is ask. Anything! I don't care if you think it's too small or you're being a pain. Don't matter to me. Besides makes me proud to give you what you need girl.
Come on lets talk this out baby.
I just don't understand some days. i know we fight a lot princess and I try so hard not to. The pressure gets me down sometimes. The streets fuck.. I work them like a bleeding dog. looking for a heist, a job. Most nights they fall through and I'm left to gamble, gunfight and deal to make ends meet to make sure I can take care of you. I don't complain. Hell it makes me happy when I get enough to bring something home more then just the money for rent and food. Maybe you don't remember but you asked me to be better and I told you I'd try. Yeah, I haven't robbed anything in months and that's why it's such a struggle. That's why my nights are so long. Then there are nights when I don't get shit. I feel like hell when I've been away from you all night and I come back empty handed. I feel like I've failed and let you down. Other nights I can't work because I have to spend all night running from the fucking cops. I can't come home til I lose them because I don't want them to find you baby.
Then I drink, I know I drink too much. I'm in a hole, down in the gutter and you've got to carry my ass to bed or worse some nights. I don't mean to. I just can't fight some nights I get so down and I just want to be held and appreciated. Those are the nights we seem to fight. I'm sorry I say some of the things I do but sometimes I need to say them. I need to get all of it out before it fucking eats me up inside.
I'm sorry for all the bullshit, for almost dying on you the other night. I know there's no damned excuse. I'm not trying to make one. I'd check my ass into rehab if I could but that's just asking to land my damned ass in jail. I can't take weeks without you again like last time.
Guess what all this bullshit is about is I need to really just get out and tell you what the fuck I need. You always ask me what I need from you.. what I want well this is all fucking for you.
I need you to be with me, to love me.
I need you to help me with my drugs. I can't kick them alone.
I need you to forgive me for what I did in the past. I know I fucked up.
I need you to tell people what we are. Yeah I'm your friend but I am more then that. I still don't know why you don't tell people.
I need you to understand that in this culture a man is judged by a lot. Some of it you think is bullshit, hell, some of it I think is bullshit.
I need you to understand that to feel happy I need to provide for you.
I DO NOT need or want a housewife.
I need.. or perhaps would like you to come out with me more at night. I don't need to go alone.
I need you to understand sometimes we fight.. sometimes it hurts but I still love you no matter what I say in some angry drunken stupor.
I need you to believe me when I tell you there are no other women in my life. I mean that as sex sure I got female friends but I ain't sleeping with them.
I need you to be the strong one when I can't instead of yelling at me for breaking.
I need you to understand no matter how much a man wants to he can't change in a day.
I need you most of all to understand I might ask you for something I haven't listed up there or things too private for me to go writing the damned things down.
More then all this other fucking bullshit I need you to forgive me. I need you to know if there is ever anything you want all you got to do is ask. Anything! I don't care if you think it's too small or you're being a pain. Don't matter to me. Besides makes me proud to give you what you need girl.
Come on lets talk this out baby.
