For couples_therapy

[call_me_snake]

2. What's one thing you don't want your partner to have to deal with regarding your past?


Most of the time I wish they never had to deal with the shit the government's done. I know it ain't realistic. Can't live with someone who's got Post Traumatic and not deal with it sometimes. I do my best to hide it. After years on the run and trying to look together most people, even my family don't know when it hits me. Happens more sometimes than others depending on stress and triggers but the outcome's often the same.

The drugs are a big part of that. Escape from the trauma, hooked by the government and I've tried to kick them but doesn't always work. There are moments I get jittery. I'm fitting for drugs but they aren't even things I can buy on the street. The bad one is the sedative they used on me while in the military psychiatric facility. I still crave it but even the government doesn't make it anymore. There's no where to get it and I still crave the shit. I wish they didn't have to deal with it. Even the normal drugs. Hard for people to understand I never wanted to be an addict. As young men in the field they give you shit saying it's one thing but later discover it is something else. That's how I got on coke. Supposed to be something to help keep you alert and warm out in the snow. Sure, did just that because it's speed but spend three years on the shit day in and day out and there's not much hope. I've tried kicking the shit and it's like a yo-yo.

There's other bullshit too. Insomnia, night terrors, flashbacks, day terrors and whole list of bullshit. can't even go to the clinic to see the ultrasound of my child. The beeping of the machines sends me into an episode. I really wish they didn't have to deal with it. I don't want them to have to deal with it but unfortunately my past is part of who I am. The same part of my past that makes me have nightmares is the one that ensures I never take them for granted. The same part of my past that makes me turn to the drugs when I get depressed is the same part that would be the reason I'd die to protect them.

I can wish they didn't have to deal with shit. I can do that all day and it won't change a damned thing. I can hope they understand that it don't all equate to bad shit. That is worthwhile and accomplishes something. Strength and commitment doesn't come from taking the easy road. It comes from being through hell and wanting shit to be better. I've been through hell and I don't want them to see it but I am glad they get the benefits of all the bullshit.


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[rattle-thecages.livejournal.com]

And then you made a family of your own.

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